My tiny but oh so mighty book of desires
Through devouring the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak, I learned about an empowering practice of writing down your wants and desires. I purchased a small notebook that I started carrying with me everyday. In October 2024, I began to write all my desires and wants in this notebook, no matter how big or small. I quickly became incredibly comfortable at being so “selfish” with my wants, as I moved away from the “good girl” mentality so common in our culture. I began to host “Mistress Meetups” at my home, inviting a great group of women from work to deepen our connection with each other. I gifted each attendee a tiny but mighty notebook and encouraged them to develop the practice of jotting down their wants and desires. For some, this practice was a huge undertaking. We have been conditioned to play “nice” to fit into societal roles. We’ve essentially adopted a “good girl” mentality which discourages women from being “selfish” with their wants and desires. On the flip side, I felt delighted by the idea of having wants and desires so big that they scare me. I allowed my imagination to take hold and carry me away on an incredible journey. I listened to the yearnings of my heart’s wants and deep core desires. Although I have not written in this notebook every single day since I started it, flipping through the pages and reading my wants has shown me the power of asking for what I want. Early on in October, I jotted down: “I want to learn how to be a sex and relationship coach and help others to have better sex with themselves and with others.” Similarly, In January 2025, I recorded: “I want to be the spark that helps ignite the flame in others and guides them to explore their edges.”
For the past two years, as I explored more open relationship structures, I underwent significant transitions in understanding what it was I truly wanted in connection with others. I went from practicing serial monogamy, to exploring polyamory with a primary partner to undergoing an extended period of intentional celibacy. Currently, I’m exploring how solo polyamory and relationship anarchy fit into my love life. Along this path, I’ve had several former partners tell me that polyamory does not exist and no guy would be comfortable with having another guy “fuck his woman.” I’ve experienced ranging degrees of gaslighting and shame being thrown my way. My tiny but oh so mighty book of intentions has been a constant reminder that there is power in being specific about what you want and especially in writing it down.
On November 9th, 2025 I wrote “You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you, someone who believes that his embraces are the perfect match for your skin.” This ties in to a greater want that I wrote about on my 2025 vision board. I wrote: “Allow myself to fall in love with a man who cherishes the goddess I am, A man who loves with fearless abandon, plays with fiery spirit and interacts with energized presence. A man that excites me to my core, loves to travel more than me and challenges me to be a better version of myself daily.” During challenging times, these words have acted as a constant companion reminding me that what I want does exist. Patience and persistence goes along way. I’m grateful to report that my most recent round of dating within a “solo poly” framework has reaped some incredibly hot and mutually respectful dynamics. One connection, in particular, has hit many of my core desires and absolutely rocked my erotic imagination. In this way, I feel more excited than ever about sharing my time and energy with open, free spirited individuals who are looking to build something that we create together. Within a relationship anarchist perspective, I have responded well to this idea that each connection creates a dynamic that works for us, independent of the other people I am choosing to spend my time with. I still have so much to learn about myself within the polyamorous circles, but I am fully committed to the challenges that lie ahead.
