Are you considering opening up your monogamous relationship?

When my monogamous partner and I kept hitting a wall over our mismatched desires to start a family, he finally suggested, perhaps out of desperation, for us to consider opening up our relationship. Initially I was shocked by this suggestion. I could feel sharp pulsating, cold chills moving through my body. Was it shock, fear or perhaps even excitement? He shared that we could see about meeting other people, in hopes of finding a partner who would want to move forward with starting a family with me. I thought this would be incredibly challenging and doubted the logistics of such an arrangement. I was trying to wrap my head around the idea of staying in a relationship with him, while also pursuing a relationship with a man who wanted to be the father of my children. Highly unlikely! I couldn’t help but notice the tingling sensation in my lady garden as I contemplated what possibilities opening up could actually bring to our relationship. That tingling sensation was in direct response to thoughts of having intimate connections with more than one partner. This thought really turned me on and significantly influenced my decision to move forward with opening up. I had no idea that a week later my partner would come to me to share that he had strong feelings for one of his best friends. This time I encountered such intense feelings of jealousy and insecurity that showed up as a sinking fluttery sensation in my belly. Over the course of the next couple of months, I would become closely acquainted with this sensation in my belly. Only a couple of days after discovering his friend had similar feelings, he disclosed that they had enjoyed their first kiss. Holy fucking shit dude!!!! Everything was moving so quickly without any space to process what was being thrown at me. Here I was just trying to figure out how to create some agreements moving forward and he was jumping right into another dynamic. My nervous system was completely flooded with stress from work and the pain of experiencing an overflow of deep seated insecurities. I did not know what to do with the overwhelm I was feeling. I had an explosive episode of anger that was deeply frightening and called my sister balling my eyes out. I was completely shut down. She somehow calmed me by bringing me back into my body and offering words of support. I could cry just writing this.

 I knew I needed to get away from the city to process and integrate all that was going on. I desperately needed to take care of my nervous system, recalibrate my well being and decide how I wanted to move forward with this partner, if at all. I took my pup Fergie to Salt Spring Island for the weekend and this is where the work really began as I gave myself permission to risk everything and dig deeper than ever before. Once I adopted an approach of curiosity, everything began to shift for me. I became deeply curious about what was happening in my body in response to a variety of difficult situations. I felt curious about those sweet tingling sensations and started to turn towards the possibilities of having new sexual relationships with other men. This excited me in a deep way and was all the motivation I needed to see things through even in the darkest of times. There was so much to learn about this whole new world of dating, sex and relationships and even more to discover about myself. Upon reflection, I feel so proud of myself on the progress I’ve made in understanding how emotions show up in my body.  I had the opportunity to experience a shift in how I responded to feelings of jealousy. My partner had not shared that he would be spending time with his girlfriend and I had video called him to discover that he was over at her house. I noticed the fluttery sensation emerge in my belly and after the call, I felt myself grow curious and compassionate about this feeling. This sense of curiosity brought me back to a vivid childhood memory. I was visiting a cousin in the Okanagan and would stay an extra two weeks while my parents went back home to Calgary. Initially I felt okay when they left, but then I started to worry about getting tummy aches as I often did as a young child. I could recall clearly that nervous fluttery sensation that pushed me to call my parents and ask them to come pick me up. They were unable to do so and I worked through these nervous feelings with my cousin's support. This simple inner child visitation helped me to connect that my jealous feelings were surfacing as an adult because my feelings of safety were being threatened. My partner represented so much safety to me and my jealous feelings were responding to this other woman taking him away from me. In the present, I am now occasionally visited with soft fluttery feelings emerging in my belly that I can expertly pinpoint as jealousy. 

This is my round about, long winded way of sincerely saying to you, avoid at all cost taking a gigantic cannon ball leap, as I did, into the deep end of open relationship dynamics!!!! Do not do this to yourself or your relationship. You are responsible for your own emotions and you need to give yourself time to explore and process emotions as they arrive.  I cannot stress enough the value in taking your time as a couple to open up your relationship, just dipping your toe into the water, moment by moment. I encourage you to check in to see how cold the water is and if your body can acclimate after allowing time for the intensity of each emotion to surface and move on.  If I had known that a Somatica® sex and relationship coach could have guided us through the process, I am certain I would not have had to go through such intense emotional upheaval all on my own. It was such an isolating and scary experience. I am grateful for the friends who offered support, but I needed someone who could help me navigate uncharted territory. I urge you to seek support as you consider the next steps in your relationship dynamic or perhaps in how you’d like to approach dating this time round. I am here for you in this process, an unwavering support system that will remind you that no matter what happens in this process intimacy is always the prize.  If you are brave enough to explore the possibilities of a road less travelled I can be your fearless guide!