Opening Up

When my monogamous partner and I kept hitting a wall over our mismatched desires to start a family, he finally suggested, perhaps out of desperation, to consider opening up our relationship. Initially I was shocked by this suggestion. I could feel sharp pulsating, cold chills moving through my body. Was it shock, fear or perhaps even excitement? He shared that we could explore meeting other people to find a partner who would want to start a family with me. I thought this would be incredibly challenging and doubted the logistics of such an arrangement. I was trying to wrap my head around the idea of staying in a relationship with him, while also pursuing a relationship with a man who could father my children. I believed this arrangement would be highly unfeasible. Where could I possibly find a man who would not only have children with me but also practice open relationship dynamics?

While considering such infinite possibilities, I couldn’t help but notice the tingling sensation in my lady garden. I contemplated what possibilities opening up could actually bring to our relationship and my sex life. The more I thought about multiple sexual partners, the more the tingling sensation in my pussy expanded and began to take on new life. This thought really turned me on and significantly influenced my decision to move forward with opening up. I had no idea that a week later my partner would reveal that he had strong feelings for one of his best friends. With his sudden confession, I encountered such intense feelings of jealousy and insecurity that showed up as a sinking fluttery sensation in my belly. Over the course of the next couple of months, I would become closely acquainted with this sensation. Only a couple of days after discovering his friend shared his romantic feelings, he disclosed that they had enjoyed their first kiss. Everything was moving so quickly without any space to process and find my footing. On my end, I was just trying to figure out how to create some agreements moving forward and on his end he was jumping right into another dynamic. My nervous system was completely flooded with stress from work and an overflow of painful deep seated insecurities. I did not know what to do with the overwhelm I was feeling. 

One particular night stands out among many others. We had gone to the beach to have a check in. I had shared how important it was to have a weekly date night devoted to one partner at a time, which he agreed with wholeheartedly. As soon as we returned from the beach that evening, he ran off to spend time with my metamour, clearly not prioritizing my desire to spend the night together. Slightly intoxicated from tequila, I exploded in a fit of rage by grabbing one of his picture frames from the wall and smashing it over the couch. Glass flew everywhere.  I whisked my dog away into the bedroom, I became coherent of what I had done. It was as though I was possessed by a ferociously jealous demon. I froze from the shock of my actions, but recalled my support system and got a hold of my sister. I cried my eyes out, caught between the effort it took to share what happened and the strain of trying to catch my breath. She somehow calmed me down by bringing me back into my body through the tone of her sweet, caring voice and supportive words. I could cry reflecting on how alone I felt in that moment and how much of an impact my sister’s unconditional support had on my nervous system.  

Shortly after, I escaped from the city to take space from my partner and to integrate all that was going on. I desperately needed to recalibrate my nervous system and decide whether or not to move forward with my partner. I took my pup Fergie to Salt Spring Island for the weekend to remove all distractions. This is where the work really began as I gave myself permission to risk everything and dig deeper than ever before. Once I adopted an approach of curiosity, everything began to shift. I became deeply curious about what was happening in my body in response to a variety of difficult situations and insecure feelings. What were those nervous tingling sensations telling me? I started to open up towards the possibilities of having new sexual relationships with other men. This excited me in a deep way and was all the motivation I needed to see things through even in the darkest of times. There was so much to learn about this whole new world of dating, sex and relationships and even more to discover about myself. I understood that once I fully took this leap that there was no turning back. The process of exploring open relationship dynamics became my playing field of exploring with curiosity and self compassion.  

Jealousy is one of the trickiest emotions as it can sneak up on you in the most surprising ways. I was learning how to map all the triggers that were showing up in my body. One experience shifted how I responded to feelings of jealousy. I was at work and had a quick call with my partner and found out that he was at his girlfriend’s place. I noticed a fluttery nervous sensation emerge in my belly and after the call, I felt myself grow curious and compassionate about this feeling. This sense of curiosity brought me back to a vivid childhood memory. I was visiting a cousin in the Okanagan and would stay an extra two weeks while my parents went back home to Calgary. Initially I felt okay when they left, but then I started to worry about getting tummy aches as I often did as a young child. I could recall clearly that nervous fluttery sensation that pushed me to call my parents and ask them to come pick me up. They were unable to do so and I worked through these nervous feelings with my cousin's support. This simple inner child visitation helped me to connect that my jealous feelings were surfacing as an adult because my feelings of safety were being threatened. My partner represented so much safety to me and I felt threatened that this other woman was taking him away from me. In the present, I am now occasionally visited with a soft fluttery feeling emerging in my belly that I can expertly pinpoint as jealousy. 

I do not suggest taking a gigantic cannon ball leap, as I did, into the deep end of open relationship dynamics! You are responsible for your own emotions and you need to give yourself time to explore and process emotions as they arrive. I cannot stress enough the value in taking your time as a couple to open up your relationship, just dipping your toes into the water, moment by moment. I encourage you to check in to see how cold the water is and if your body can acclimate after allowing time for the intensity of each emotion to surface and bob along the river of your emotional landscape.  If I had known that a Somatica® sex and relationship coach could have guided us through the process, I am certain I would not have suffered as much emotional upheaval as I did. It was such an isolating and scary experience. I am grateful for the friends who offered support, but I needed someone who could help me navigate these uncharted waters. I urge you to seek support as you consider the next steps in your relationship dynamics or perhaps in how you’d like to approach dating this time round. I am often reminded of the Somatica saying that intimacy is always the prize. I allow this belief to guide my interactions in my own love life and in my coaching practice.